Normal Healthy Couples Have
Sexual Desire Problems

“Normal couples have sexual desire problems. Virtually all couples have sexual desire problems sooner or later. Thirty six percent of almost 20,000 people have desire problems virtually all the time, and another 25% have them most times before sex."If you are having sexual desire problems, and there's a very good chance you are, do you feel inadequate, ashamed or embarrassed, in addition to feeling deprived, frustrated, or royally pissed-off? Even if you don't have sexual desire problems now, you can imagine how people feel. You know how you would feel, and you're normal, aren't you?

It’s normal to think you’re abnormal.
When I was trained as a sex therapist, and for the most part throughout my career, professionals and the general public alike thought that when couples have sexual desire problems, it's a sure sign of something going wrong. Married couples, marital therapists, and sex therapists all have different notions about what that "wrong" might be, but there has been no doubt amongst therapists and couples around the world: If you’re not swinging from the chandeliers on a regular basis, and you don't have medical problems, then something must be off because "sex is a natural function."

Most people look at sexual desire as the biological drive to reproduce the species, or libido (sex drive), or the byproduct of romantic love or attachment and bonding. And once you adopt this normal point of're screwed (so to speak). Not just because you're galloping off with the herd in the wrong direction. You're also now convinced that either you, or your partner, or your relationship is screwed up. Something must be going wrong to block your natural, biologically-encoded, hormonally driven, and libidinally explosive sex drive! You're going against Mother Nature, Charles Darwin, Sigmund Freud, and God, don't you know!

20,000 people can’t be wrong.

Over the last four years I've collected responses from almost 20,000 people on the web site about their sex life. We asked nitty-gritty details of how people had sex, how often they did it, their eagerness to have it, and how long they went without it. We not only inquired about desire problems before having sex, we asked about desire during sex. People also rated their overall sexual relationship. Here's some of what we found:
  • 12% had no sex in the last year.
  • 12% had no sex in the last year.
  • 34% have sex once or twice a month.
  • 26% have have sex once or twice a week.
  • 7% have sex 4 or 5 times a week.

Whereas many people think sex once or twice a week is average for most couples, that's really a minority, one out of four couples (26%). Only 7% are really burning up the sheets. The vast majority of people (67%) are having sex once or twice a month or less. For one out of three people (33%) it's a lot less. This lines up with what people told us about sexual desire problems:

  • 35% almost always have sexual desire problems before they have sex.
  • Another 25% usually have desire problems
  • And another 25% have desire problems some times.
  • Only 9%rarely have desire problems.
  • Another 6% were Energizer Bunnies, never had desire problems, and were ready to keep going...and going...and going.

When 60% of people have ongoing sexual desire problems, and another 25% have them intermittently, by any scientific standard it's prudent to say normal people have sexual desire problems. Arguably, you're abnormal if you don't!

Published on May 13, 2011 by David Schnarch, Ph.D. in Intimacy and DesireSource:

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